


Welcome to My Life

by Dandelion657



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Jumbled Thoughts, Rants, Semi-parental Roy, Understanding, doubts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-25 00:04:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9793658
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dandelion657/pseuds/Dandelion657
Summary: He felt like no one could understand him. No one knew what he had to go through. He was just a kid with a heavy burden. Sometimes, it was easy to forget that.





	

**Author's Note:**

> First attempt at a FMAB fic. I got the idea for this one-shot while listening to the song “Welcome to My Life” by Simple Plan and thought that if one digs deep enough into Ed’s inner thoughts, this is what he would be feeling. In the anime he seems like this kid who seems to have it all figured out, but no one seems to know what he’s really feeling. I wanted to attempt a one-shot to explore that based off this song. 
> 
> Timeline: set kind of in the episode 520 Cens Promise.
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own anything from the anime/manga or the song.

_Do you ever feel like breaking down?_  
_Do you ever feel out of place?_  
 _like somehow you just don’t belong_  
 _and no one understands you?_  
 _Do you ever wanna run away?_  
 _Do you lock yourself in your room_  
 _with the radio turned up so loud_  
 _that no one hears you screaming?_

Edward Elric had always been hard to read. He kind of prided himself on it. It meant people wouldn’t be able to see what he was really feeling, and he didn’t want people worrying over him. Alphonse and Winry did enough of that and they didn’t even know how he really felt about things. There was a lot more going on inside his head than they believed.

The problem was that he knew they just wouldn’t get it.

If they knew how much his thoughts tormented him, they would fuss over him to no end. He didn’t need or want that. He was older and therefore, he was supposed to do the worrying. It didn’t help that they now had the worries of the Homunculi  and the Fuhrer to think about. Everything they did from here on out would require some degree of careful planning and a lot of sheer luck. Unfortunately, Ed knew that luck was rarely on their side.

Night had settled over Central City. Ed’s thoughts were heavy as he had just learned from Riza Hawkeye the details of the Ishvalen War. He shared what she said with his brother, but the thoughts were weighing more on his mind. Ed could feel himself being due for a breakdown and he didn’t want anyone near him when he had it.

It was why he wished the Colonel would hurry up and drop them off where they staying.

The man had picked them after finding them sitting on a bench in the city. The Elric’s had a lead to figuring out how to use their alchemy around Father. They had to find Scar and the little girl with the panda. Roy had no idea where the girl or panda was, so that turned out to be a dead end. He seemed surprised about Xingese Alkahestry, telling them that he hadn’t thought much about it. Of course, Roy asked about the money Ed borrowed from him to make a phone call. Ed instead made a promise.

Roy dropped them off where they were staying, but had Ed stay inside. Before Alphonse or Ed could question why, Roy drove off. “Where are you taking me?” Ed asked.

“Just sit back and wait until we get there,” he ordered. Ed huffed and leaned against the window again. The Colonel was up to something, he was sure of it.

 _No, you don’t know what it’s like_  
_when nothing feels alright_  
 _you don’t know what it’s like_  
 _to be like me_

Ed found himself getting consumed in his thoughts again. The silence helped him concentrate on organizing those thoughts, but it was proving to be a difficult task. He was good at masking what he was feeling, but he could feel those walls crumbling down. All the hurt, the feelings of being lost, and all the other dark stuff that plagued his mind swarmed in. Roy made no remarks and the only sound was the car rolling along the road.

He was drawn from his thoughts slightly when he noticed Roy turn down an unknown road. It was a bit hidden and dark, only the headlights lighting their path. A look to Roy said that the man knew where he was going. Ed could only trust him for the moment. The Colonel may have been a bastard in his eyes, but Ed knew him well enough to know the man did nothing without good reason. He also hadn’t given Ed a reason to not trust him yet, the incident with Maria Ross aside.

That misunderstanding was something Ed would rather not think about again.

Roy continued driving as Ed continued getting lost in thought. He became so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn’t notice the car stop. Roy had to tap his shoulder to get his attention.

“Come on,” he ordered.

Ed followed him out of the vehicle and up the small hill they had parked in front of. There was a tree at the top of it. When they reached the tree, Ed took a look at the view and noticed they could see a good chunk of the city. Roy sat on the ground and leaned against the tree, looking bored.

“Alright, Colonel,” Ed huffed, turning to face him. “What’d you bring me out here for?”

“Because you need to sort through your thoughts,” he shrugged.

“What do you mean by that?” Ed frowned. The Colonel was acting weird.

“I can tell your head is clouded with too many thoughts right now,” Roy explained, staring at him. Ed couldn’t find any trace of his typical confidence or cockiness in his gaze. “This place is good for getting the quiet needed to sort through them. We got all night Fullmetal. Just let it all out.”

Ed stared at him for a moment. “What’s the catch?”

“Why does there have to be a catch?” Roy raised an eyebrow. “Do you really think I don’t do things without expecting something in return, or has your life become so based on the idea of Equivalent Exchange that you can’t accept that?”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Ed demanded. “I know it doesn’t apply to everything!”

“So then accept that there’s no catch,” Roy pointed out. “Just let all your thoughts out. We’re not leaving here until you do. You can’t expect to fight the Homunculi if your head isn’t clear.”

Ed felt himself twitching. It was like the Colonel _wanted_ him to break down.

He just couldn’t understand what Ed felt like.

 _To feel hurt_  
_to feel lost_  
 _to be left out in the dark_  
 _to be kicked when you’re down_  
 _to feel like you’ve been pushed around_  
 _to be on the edge of breaking down_  
 _and no one’s there to save you_  
 _no, you don’t know what it’s like_  
 _welcome to my life_

“How the hell can my head be cleared?” Ed shouted, feeling himself breaking down already. “In case you haven’t realized, it’s kind of hard to have a clear head when there’s so much to figure out!”

“Then start from the beginning,” the older man suggested. “I find that’s always a good place to start. In fact, why don’t you tell me more about the transmutation?”

Ed stared at him blankly for a moment. He knew exactly what transmutation the older man was talking about. “Why do you want to know more about it?”

“You boys said you did it because you wanted to see your mother smile,” Roy shrugged. “But there was more to it, wasn’t there? At least for you, anyway.”

Ed mentally cursed the man. How did he guess that? “So what if there is?”

“Just let it all out, Fullmetal.”

“You wouldn’t understand,” Ed scoffed, glaring at him. “You wouldn’t know what it’s like to have to raise your younger sibling and make them think everything’s going to be okay when you know it won’t be! We did want to see our mother’s smile again, but I wanted to try and bring her back because I knew I couldn’t take care of Al on my own.”

“But you had your mechanic and her grandmother, didn’t you?” Roy cut him off. “And aren’t you two only a year apart?”

“That doesn’t matter!” Ed huffed. “I grew up after our mom died, but Al was still a kid! Hell, I grew up after that bastard left us without so much as a goodbye or a reason! I took on responsibility for taking care of Al and because I insisted on bringing mom back, look where it got us!”

Roy said nothing, knowing Ed was going to rant now. At least for a little while.

“I failed as a big brother that day,” Ed continued, his voice quieting down. “I’m the reason why he’s in that suit of armor. He’s told me he doesn’t resent me for it, but I still feel the guilt! He thinks everything’s fine, that we’ll get our bodies back, but I’m not so confident that we will! Not without a philosopher’s stone, and neither of us want to use it because we don’t want to use other people’s souls to fix our own problems!”

This surprised the Colonel a bit. He knew the part about the stone, but he didn’t think Ed actually had that little confidence in them getting their bodies back.

“I don’t even care about my body,” Ed stated. “I just want to get Al’s back. After the incident in Lab Five, I realized more how fragile his current state is. It doesn’t take much for a soul bound to armor to die or be lost. Al doesn’t realize this, but I do. Every time we’ve gotten into a fight with Scar or the Homunculi or someone else, I’ve worried that someone will realize all it takes is the seal being destroyed if they just happen to catch Al off guard.

“I just…I don’t know what to do. It feels like we’re lost and don’t know where we’re going sometimes! Every day it hurts me knowing I’m the reason why this is all happening! I’m the reason Al and I are suddenly these human sacrifices that Father creep needs for who knows what! I’m the reason why the Homunculi are going after everyone who gets too close to figuring them out!”

 _Do you wanna be somebody else?_  
_Are you sick of feeling so left out?_  
 _Are you desperate to find something more_  
 _before your life is over_  
 _are you stuck inside a world you hate?_  
 _are you sick of everyone around?_  
 _with their big fake smiles and stupid lies_  
 _while deep inside you’re bleeding?_

Ed paused in his ranting to take a few deep breaths. He thought about how his life was so messed up and yet everyone he saw could go about their daily lives with smiles plastered on their faces. If only they knew what was really going on, they wouldn’t be smiling. However, Ed wasn’t going to be the one to reveal things. Who was he to take away their happiness and the lies the government fed them?

In a way, it felt like he missed the memo that said everything was going to be okay. If he had gotten it, maybe he wouldn’t have felt so left out all the time. He was only fifteen but oftentimes people, himself included, forgot that. No fifteen year old should have to do what he was going through. No fifteen year old should be responsible to raising their brother and fixing a mistake as big as theirs. Ed supposed that was just the price of being geniuses combined with childhood stupidity.

Roy was still just watching him, waiting for him to continue. It was like he knew Ed wasn’t done ranting yet. The blonde glared at him some more, waiting for a smug look to appear on his face.

_No you don’t know what it’s like_   
_when nothing feels all right_   
_you don’t know what it’s like_   
_to be like me_

_To feel hurt_   
_to feel lost_   
_to be left out in the dark_   
_to be kicked when you’re down_   
_to feel like you’ve been pushed around_   
_to be on the edge of breaking down_   
_and no one’s there to save you_   
_no, you don’t know what it’s like_   
_welcome to my life_

“Why are the Homunculi after us?” Ed found himself questioning out loud. “What did we ever do to get their attention? Why does their leader look like my father? Just how far will they go to make sure their plans will work? How many more people have to get hurt in the crossfire because the Homunculi are after us?”

Roy continued to watch him. He wanted Ed to get everything out before he said his piece.

“I know I’m not invincible, but I have to do whatever I can to keep my promise to Al,” Ed continued. He was starting to calm down a bit, though he still felt like yelling. “He sees me as this person who can fix everything, someone he can look up to. I shouldn’t be that person, not when I did this to him. Not when there’s a chance I won’t be able to save him. I keep promising him things, but I keep feeling like they’re empty promises because I don’t know if they’ll be able to happen or not.”

Ed hadn’t even noticed that he had slumped himself on the ground against the tree as well, sitting beside the Colonel. Both were looking up at the stars.

“When Ling and I got trapped in Gluttony’s stomach…I thought that was it,” Ed sighed. “I thought I wouldn’t get to see Al again, or Winry or Granny. We tried everything we could to escape before we ran into Envy. I feel guilty for relying on a Homunculus for help in getting out of that. We had to use the souls from Envy’s philosopher stone to get out. Gluttony was a failed attempt at creating a gate to Truth. The only way out is to go back through the gate.”

Roy’s eyes widened a bit. He had not been given details on what happened after he left the cabin in the woods. To hear his subordinate had to go through that kind of trouble again…well, he could see why he was so bothered. That would bother him, too.

“I feel guilty knowing that my dad has something to do with this,” Ed grumbled. “I just know he does. That Father guy spoke of him like he knew him, and he even looks like that bastard. And now we have to tiptoe around everything because the _Fuhrer_ is one of them and is watching practically our every move and threatening our loved ones. No one understands how heavy a burden all this is. No one gets it.”

 _No one ever lied straight to your face_  
_and no one ever stabbed you in the back_  
 _you might think I’m happy_  
 _but I’m not gonna be okay_  
 _everybody always gave you what you wanted_  
 _you never had to work it was always there_  
 _you don’t know what it’s like_  
 _what it’s like_

Roy sighed. Ed was right, to an extent. It was hard to understand or get what the boy was going through. It was easy to forget that underneath his military status and his genius and what he survived so far, he was still just a kid. However, he was far from the only one who had to go through troubles like that. Well, at least the stuff that didn’t deal with the Homunculi and alchemy. The pains and troubles may be different, but they still led to the same place.

He had seen far too many people who seemed to have the perfect life. They had been spoiled and did minimal work yet got rewarded handsomely for their efforts. He knew a few military officers who were that way. Those who felt like they were entitled to things definitely wouldn’t understand what Ed felt, but someone who had similar troubles could.

They remained quiet for another moment before the Colonel spoke up. “I may not have gone through the same troubles you have, Edward, but believe it or not, I do understand.”

“How could you understand?” Ed huffed, taking slight note of the Colonel using his real name. The man rarely did that, so Ed felt the need to pay attention whenever it was used.

“My parents died when I was younger than you two were,” Roy stated, looking up at the sky and starting his story. He didn’t plan on revealing everything, but he wanted the younger boy to know that he had someone who could understand. “My aunt took me in and raised me. I may not understand what it’s like to have to raise a younger sibling, but I do know the feeling of losing a parent.”

Ed remained silent, so Roy took that chance to continue. “I also understand the issues of having a teacher who was against you joining the military. From what I’ve heard about your own teacher, she despises the State Alchemy program and forbid you from joining. My alchemy teacher did the same, but I was old enough by that point where it didn’t matter. You haven’t been in the military as long as I have and honestly, I hope you aren’t. I hope that this is the only form of war you see in your lifetime.”

“What do you mean by that?” Ed frowned. The Colonel was the one who planted the idea of him joining the military in the first place.

“I don’t regret asking you to join the State Alchemist program,” the older man stated. “I want to see you boys get your bodies back. However, it is hard to forget that both of you are still just kids, and the battlefield is no place for a kid. Hawkeye told you about Ishval. Can you honestly say that if a war like that broke out now, you would be willing to follow orders, even if it meant killing people?”

He took Ed’s silence to mean that the boy was thinking it over. Roy kept talking. “Ishval still haunts my dreams. There is rarely a night that passes when I don’t think about it. I was practically fresh out of the academy when it started, and I was not prepared for what I was getting into. My goals in life kept driving me forward and kept me following orders. You may have seen hell when you did that transmutation, but Ishval was my hell, especially when I faced an old friend from the academy. I was too surprised to do anything and gave him an opening to shoot me, but he missed. Hughes killed him on the spot.

“During war, you come to realize that there is a chance you may be fighting against people you know or care about. After that, I questioned why my orders were to kill people who were just as much Amestrian citizens as we were. I still question it sometimes, especially now with everything going on. Hughes knocked some sense into me, put things in perspective. He was stronger than I am…he found a way to put Ishval behind him. I haven’t. Ishval is my mistake I’m trying to fix.”

“What do you mean your mistake?” Ed huffed.

“I know Ishval was wrong,” Roy sighed. “Unfortunately, I was unable to realize that until after the fact, kind of like how you and Alphonse realized to late the transmutation was wrong. Just like you’re trying to fix that mistake by getting your bodies back, I plan on fixing mine when I become Fuhrer by rebuilding Ishval. I know there are more Ishvalen people out there, and I want to return what was theirs to them. I know what it’s like to have a mistake that haunts you and the pressure that comes with trying to fix it.”

 _To feel hurt_  
_to feel lost_  
 _to be left out in the dark_  
 _to be kicked when you’re down_  
 _to feel like you’ve been pushed around_  
 _to be on the edge of breaking down_  
 _and no one’s there to save you_  
 _no, you don’t know what it’s like_  
 _what it’s like_

“I know what it’s like to feel hurt, lost, broken down,” Roy finished up. He had said most of what he needed to. “I know the feeling of being in the dark, and I know what it feels like to be pushed around. Maybe it’s harder on you because you are still a kid and we all forget that sometimes. I’ve gotten the impression from you and your brother that you always acted older than you were, or at least seemed older than you were, even before everything happened. I think it’s because of that it’s easy for us to forget you’re still kids. Havoc actually remembers that the most.”

“It’s easy for us to forget, too,” Ed sighed. “Most normal people our age aren’t in the military and aren’t alchemy geniuses.”

“Most kids also don’t need to be,” Roy pointed out. “But that’s beside the point. What I’m trying to say is that you may feel like no one understands, but there are people who do. The troubles may be different, but they can lead to the same feelings and have the same or similar effects.”

They fell silent again, watching the stars. It felt oddly calm, but nice. Ed realized the Colonel was right. This was a good place for thoughts to be sorted out. He didn’t realize how much he needed this until he finished his ranting. It felt kind of nice to have that all off of his chest. Roy’s words had also started to sink in, and Ed realized that he may not be as alone as he felt.

“How did you know I needed to come here?” Ed asked, curious.

“When we were in the car, I could tell you had too much in your head,” Roy stated. “I’ve seen many people with the look like they can’t figure anything out, myself included. You try to figure out too many things at once and you shut down, trying to figure it all out on your own. Sometimes, you just need to physically get away from everything to truly sort through it.”

They fell silent again. Roy sighed and found more things to say.

“You shouldn’t blame yourself for this whole mess. No one had any way of knowing about the Homunculi or what they are after. The blame can’t be pinned solely on you. As for this Father person looking like your old man…well, that’s your father’s mistake, not your own. You are not responsible for that. You are not responsible for anyone who is helping you getting hurt, either. We help you because we want to, not because we have to. Hughes knew that when he started doing his own digging.”

Ed looked at him at that, surprised he brought up the fallen soldier.

“In all the scenarios I’ve thought in my head, he always ends up helping you. My theory is that he did it because his paternal instincts kicked in. Aside from Havoc, he remembered that you boys are still just kids, but he still treated you like you knew what you were doing. You didn’t know until after that Hughes took up his own research on the stone and whatnot and that he had found out too much. I know he nor his wife blame you for his death, and speaking as his best friend, I don’t blame you for his death, either. The only one to blame is the one who actually murdered him, which at this point, wouldn’t be a far stretch to say that it was a Homunculus who killed him.”

“It doesn’t stop the guilty feeling,” Ed mumbled. He did feel a little better knowing that the people closest to the man didn’t blame him.

“No, it won’t for a long time,” Roy agreed. “I felt guilty for my Ishvalen friend’s death even though I didn’t actually pull the trigger. I still do, sometimes. We are all responsible  for our own actions and choices, so in the end, the only person we have to blame for things like that are ourselves. I’m sure Alphonse doesn’t blame you for what happened because he probably feels equally as guilty.”

Ed looked away again.

“That being said,” Roy decided it was about time to wrap things up. “My team and I know you two _will_ get your bodies back. If you can survive a human transmutation and figure out how to bond a soul to armor, you can definitely find a way to get your bodies back without using a philosopher’s stone. You two truly are alchemy geniuses, so none of us doubt that you will get your bodies back. The thing with the philosopher’s stone is just a roadblock. You seem to have realized that if you’re looking into Xingese alkahestry.”

He stood up and brushed off his pants, some dirt having gotten on them from sitting too long. He turned to Ed. “Come on. It’s late and your brother is probably worried. Feel better now that your head is clearer?”

“Yeah,” Ed replied as he stood and followed the Colonel to the car.

“And Fullmetal,” Roy got his attention once more. “We will find a way to defeat the Homunculi. Just keep solving things about what they’re trying to do, and I’ll plan out the offensive strikes.”

“Sounds like a plan,” Ed agreed. As much as he didn’t like the Colonel, he had to admit the man was an excellent tactician.

The two got into the car and Roy began to drive off.

 _To feel hurt_  
_to feel lost_  
 _to be left out in the dark_  
 _to be kicked when you’re down_  
 _to feel like you’ve been pushed around_  
 _to be on the edge of breaking down_  
 _and no one’s there to save you_  
 _no, you don’t know what it’s like_  
 _welcome to my life_

“Colonel?”

“What is it, Fullmetal?”

“Thanks.”

Nothing else needed to be said between the two.

_Welcome to my life._

**Author's Note:**

> So this turned out a lot longer than I thought, but I hope you enjoyed it. As I said, this was just based on my interpretations of some things Ed may have been feeling and/or thinking. I feel like he would have doubts and stuff about getting their bodies back and blame himself for things that are out of his control but he feels indirectly responsible for. Hope you enjoyed it!


End file.
